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Reasons

Since I'm bored, I guess I'll put up here the reason why I've been pissed off for... oh, lets say 1 month and 11 days or so. OK... Advice and suggestions are always great. OK... lets see.. Hmmm... I'll start from the begining. There's this chick (For the sake of confidentiality, lets call her Emma). I've had a crush on her since March of '98 or so. Well, to sum up the last 2 years, we've grown close and became best friends. This had nothing to do with the fact I liked her, it was just that we grew really close and became best friends. I had no ulterior motives, nothing like that. So, I decided to be honest... I though I would tell her about my longing for her... Honesty, right? I've always believed in honesty. So, One day at work (Oct. 4th), I decide that I'm gonna tell her. So, on my break, I write a letter and a poem. I leave it anonymous. Then, when I get off work (about 2 AM or so), I go to the grocery store (its the only thing open that late/early) and buy her a dozen carnations. I go over to her house, and I start to get really nervous. And, when I'm nervous, I hear things. I though I heard a door opening, so I place them on the sidewalk in front of her house. I then got in my car and took off out of there. The next morning at church I see "Emma" and she doesn't mention them or anything.... Which was odd, we told each other everything. I later found out that she had spent the night at a friends house (Her, her sister, and her brother), and her parents were out of town. So, it was my imagination about the door and stuff. So, after church we have puppet practice, and I was dying the whole time... But I was proud of myself. I actually grew balls (figurativly speaking). So, I go to take her home, and the flowers were gone. I was upset, but I couldn't show it. She goes to the door, but can't get in, because its locked and her sister has the key. So, I take her up to where her sister works to get the key, and there her sister (lets call her "L.") tells her that she found some flowers in front of the house. So, we stayed at the work for a while, and she kept guessing who it was from. I didn't say much, for obvious reasons. So, I take her home, and drop her off. I then go home. A few hours later, I call her up to ask her if she needs a ride to church that night. She says no. Then, she asks me if I left the flowers. I was kinda taken back that she had guessed me so soon, so I instantly said, "Maybe". I wanted to keep it secret, kinda, but I didn't want to deny it. So, she asked me several more times, and I left it vague. She tells me to talk to a friend of ours that was over there (Lets call him "Jimmy"). He asks if it was me, and that he won't tell "Emma" anything I tell him. I said that I'll talk to him later that night, then hung up. I went up to church, and I didn't see her until after church. "L." decides that we should go to a movie, and to meet at her house in a few. "Emma" didn't say anything to me, and looked kinda distant. So, I go over to her house, and "Emma" asks me a couple more times. I neither confirm or deny my actions, and she kinda gets mad at me. So, I call my mom to ask her permission, and while the phone was ringing, I decided to answer her question. So, I said, "Yes, I left you those flowers", then started talking to my mom. She kinda turned red. I finish up with my mom, and she thanks me for the flowers, but... I can't describe it.. it was kinda like she was being all formal about it. "Jimmy" and "L." tell me that it was a cool thing to do and sweet, but "Emma" goes to her room. We go out to the car, and we decide to carpool. I was in the backseat with "Emma", and the whole time she just stared out the window, not speaking or singing or anything. Which isn't like her. So, we get up to the theater, and I just lose it. I go off to the side and cry. What am I to do, eh? I felt like I jacked everything up between us, and for naught. So, we talk, and she says that she isn't mad at me, but it seems kinda false.

So, after that, things have been weird. For about 2 weeks or so, "Emma" barely speaks to me. That's pretty damn crappy. Then, one Sunday we go to church and says she wants to go to prom with me. Which is good. However, she has kinda avoided me, and when we are together, she isn't as open or playful. As an added negative/positive, "Emma" now works with me. Which is good, because maybe things will work out between us, and even if we don't go out, hopefully things will go back to "normal". Another positive is that I get to see her, her beauty, her smile... *Sigh*. The negatives: Its akward at work now (you try working with someone who things are very confusing with), and also now "L." (my manager) seems more distant to me, as well. *Sigh* I jacked everything up for the sake of love, and I crashed and burned.

In conclusion, I guess this is a akward situation. Would I do this all over again? Maybe. Sure, it's cool that I got my feelings out in the open and I was honest, but I did f-up the relationship. I also feel like I hurt "Emma" personally. But, I do honestly feel like there's something more for us. I dunno. And, yes, I do realize that "Emma", "L.", or "Jimmy" will read this page, most likely. I don't care.

So, if you have any advice, et cetera (besides "You idiot, why did you ask her out?" or "She just feels akward, give it time"), mail me at ichbineinsmurf@aol.com.
Wait, there's more! To read the second part of this whine, click here.